Change is SCARY (Personal Story)

I may have scared off a few potential readers already with my title, but for the ones that are still reading this, thank you. Why? It's because what I am about to share with you is something about myself that I have felt ashamed of, disgusted by, and dejected about for years. I can already feel the fear seeping into my bones as I hesitantly type away on the keyboard. So here goes....

Masks

Are you completely yourself when you are around other people? Or do you project a version of yourself that you think people would find desirable or attractive? Ever since I was a child, I have been weary and cautious about what people think of me. I have often kept an arms distance away from the friends I have made over the years. Sometimes I feel as though people don't want to see the real me that I am slowly unearthing. That shit is weird anyway right? It's this constant feeling that I'm not good enough. Like I have to become more or learn more before I could be worthy enough of having a stimulating conversation with someone That was the story I told myself daily and still tell myself from time to time. So what do we all do when we just want others to like us? We try to fit in. That's exactly what I sought out to do.

This includes but is not limited to:

-Trying to sound cool but feeling like a complete ass inside

-Eating sugar/fat/salt like it was my job

-Drinking to feel socially accepted and to summon enough courage to talk to women

-Playing videogames like Final Fantasy 7 and Diablo 2 so that I could feel like a complete badass (only to escape my own insecurities).

-Pursuing Medical School because I thought that would help me make money, find the woman of my dreams, and gain respect from my peers. I mean that is the right path for anyone of South Asian Descent..atleast that's what I'm told.

These qualities created a mask-like persona of who I thought I had to be like to be accepted by society. Not who I REALLY wanted to be.

"MMMMMMM CAKE"

Enter Hidradenitis Suppurativa/Cystic Acne

From the time I have been a teenager till age 24, I continued on the same "masked" and destructive path.It got to a point where my health began to deteriorate. If I had heard the song that goes "so what we get drunk, so what we don't sleep, so what we get high...that's how it supposed to be...living young and wild and free" back then, it would be my JAM! But it wasn't supposed to be that way and it showed. I was always tired, couldn't focus, and got sick more often than I would have liked. Then things got serious.

I started to develop weird boils, cystic acne, and scars all over my chest. They hurt a lot, often had pus coming out of them, and made me feel like I was some sort of freak. It made me want to isolate myself even more for fear of what people would think. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I developed a rare condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS). Tongue-twister huh? It's a disease where the sweat glands underneath your armpits become blocked causing painful invaginations in the skin. Exhibit A below:

Often times, they seep out pus, blood, and other cheesy substances (leave it up to your imagination). When I first discovered what it was, I had to go to the doctor. They tried everything to help me heal my skin conditions. Nothing worked. No steroids, antibiotics, or washes healed me. "You are just going to have to try to keep it all at bay with medication" they said. I have never felt so low than in that moment. I went home and began to think of how I would deal with this while hiding it from everyone I knew. How could I reveal this to anyone without feeling utterly embarrassed, unattractive, and abnormal. I wanted to fit in after all right? 

I would come home sometimes with my armpits soaked in blood and pus and my chest so red and inflamed that I simply wanted to give up on life. How did I cope? Well, the same destructive lifestyle of booze, junk food, pursuing the American Dream, suppressing emotions,and binge exercising. Did it help? NOPE.

As I went back to get a routine blood test, they said my testosterone levels were well below the normal healthy 24 year old male. Boom another blow to my ego! All the while, I was trying to pursue a career in fitness...IRONIC. How the hell was I supposed to help my clients, when I couldn't even help myself?! In my depression and feeling of hopelessness, there was also crystal clear clarity. Funny how that happens huh? It was like I could see the dichotomy of my situation. I could either relinquish my health to the woes of my conditions OR do something positive about it. It was really as simple as that. A DECISION. I took the latter.

Embrace The Best Version Of Yourself

I dove head first into Fitness/Nutritional/Health/Personal development books and articles by the likes of John Berardi, Tony Robbins, Alan Aragon, Paul Chek, and Charles Poliquin. I even took to the health forums sifting through different people's experiences HS/cystic acne. I sifted through youtube videos, holistic health practitioners, acupuncture, prayer...you name it! Each time I found a piece of advice worth experimenting with, I immersed myself in it. Through this practice, I found what worked and what didn't. When something did give me positive results, it gave me confidence to keep pushing forward.

 Each time my health improved, I noticed parts of my body that I neglected or took for granted. I became aware of them and began to really appreciate the intricacies of what made my body function the way it did. I started to eliminate my destructive habits, create supportive environments for my goals, and pursue a stronger version of myself. Hell, I even met a wonderful woman who accepted me just as I was. It allowed me to accept myself and express emotions that were deeply buried within me. There were several moments of cathartic release and even that was accepted. It made me feel like there was something wonderful on the other side of all of this.

Transformation Through Healing

One would say I took upon a complete lifestyle transformation. I changed the way I ate, lived, talked to people, conversed with myself, and the way I dealt with my emotions. Don't get me wrong, the process was difficult! I found myself having to make decisions that either served me or didn't. Every time I was confronted with these decisions, I often times asked myself "Is this going to help me get to where I want?" Sometimes I decided F*%$ it..and relapsed. Other times, I took the high road. What was consistent through all of it was a deeper understanding of myself and what I needed to feel my best. So what came of all of this you ask?

I'm the strongest I have ever been in the gym, my testosterone is back to optimum levels, and I have a thriving personal training/holistic health coaching business. Of course my HS and cystic acne have healed as well! I'm left with a bit of scarring but nothing compared to the pain I was in a few years ago. Did I want to give up? Pretty much everyday. Was it worth it? It sure as heaven was!

So when someone asks me why I'm so passionate about helping people become the best versions of themselves, I tell them my story. Where ever you are in life, know that there are people that go through similar struggles. More importantly, know that you can do something about it. You simply have to decide what you want for yourself. Once you become clear on what you want, take massive action! The results will surely follow.

Much love,

                Sumair